64. SOLO: How my perimenopause is going

Today I unleash an update on my own epic perimenopause experience, which began sometime in my early 40s, wreaked all sorts of havoc, and continues to this day – aged 52, looking ahead to turning 53.

I cover a lot here, so buckle up!

• A little about my early years and what led to Hotflash inc
• A taster of some of the symptoms I've dealt with
• What's going on with me now, physically and emotionally
• What my new gynecologist has to say about all of it
• A focus on my forgetfullness
• The crying, with a guest appearance by my American friend Lizzie Bermudez
• Why my perimenopause is like a video game, and where I feel I'm at in the levels
• How I'm turning into a recluse, but I know it's temporary
• My lengthy recounting of a night in Paris where I got mugged by a gang of teenagers and dealt with a hideously drunk Englishman – all in one night
• A list of things I've been crying about
• What's going on with my vagina
• The sensory stuff
• My love for Wise Power and authors Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer, founders of Red School, which is a book I opened at just the right time 
• How I'm resting, puttering and snudging 

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Transcript

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I feel like I've shifted upward. Imagine this is like a video game level in sort of rolling with the punches in a way that perhaps I never have been able to in opening myself up to things that I've been too scared to think about. I am doing this solo episode cuz I just need to talk about where I'm at with perimenopause and I don't do that very often, but, it feels like I'm at an important time. In my and it feels like things have shifted for me significantly. So we'll just go back to the beginning a little bit. I'm 52 years old. I'm looking ahead in a couple of months to turning 53, and I figure that I've been in perimenopause since I was about, well since early forties. The shit really hit the fan for me when I was about 42 because some really big things happened in my life, and that's when I started having panic attacks and nightmares and chest palpitations and terrible headaches and, fear of flying and, tingling everywhere. And I guess my period started changing, but I didn't pay that much attention. and so it's been going on a really long time. I didn't know any of that until I was about 47 and when I realized, I started researching and that all sort of led to Hot Flash Inc. I got the idea for that in about 2018 when I created some Google alerts just for myself. That's what I do when I'm researching something, that I'm writing about. And I just hated the articles that came back. And then I started thinking like, how could I write about this? I wanna make this my beat. Could this be a business? How would I do it? A newsletter might be cool. I had followed the Gwyneth Paltro Goop model since the inception and thought it was really clever, and I love the idea of speaking directly to people. Back then I had, I think CK had started, but I had absolutely no idea that it would become what it has. And when I would talk to people about doing a newsletter, no one understood what I was talking about. And I think that's really funny because there were, there were people doing it already. But anyway, I wish I'd known, but I didn't. So this just feels like the incredible journey, the never ending story. I don't know what it feels like. It feels like it's going on forever, but I also know that it's not going on forever. I know that it's definitely gonna end sometime, and that's how I feel right now is I need to keep reminding myself that this is gonna end and things have shifted considerably. Like when I look back on the trajectory of perimenopause from this perch 52, almost 53, I can see now that there. periods of time when I experienced things, and then those things always passed. For so much of it, I didn't know what was happening, so I was just dealing with it like it was actually real. And I also worked through a ton of things, like I worked through adverse childhood experiences and some trauma. Of course, you know, that's an ongoing process. I worked through some tendencies to self sabotage, all sorts of emotional stuff. I got my health in order back at 42 43 when I experienced adrenal exhaustion, which was part of it, I'm sure, but I had no idea it was perimenopause, but I, I changed my habits. and you know, I just had periods of symptoms that I thought were never gonna end. Like, you know, breast pain that was so bad for just months and months and months that I was gonna order this supplement Violet from the us. I was just about to order it and then it passed. I've had terrible physical pain, multiple times, but I think that might be related to something else. I recently stopped eating eggs. Is, is it t. Realization that eggs were causing me terrible body pain, so I would've told you body pain was perimenopause a lot of the time. I had things that I thought were perimenopause that weren't, for example, I had surgery and I got sebo, small intestinal bacterial overgrowth, and that was giving me horrible brain fog, depression, terrible bloating. I thought that was just perimenopause. It wasn't. I've had really low points. Periods of terrible headaches. I've had periods of hot flashes. And recently I've been dealing with. Some other stuff, and I don't want to get into it yet, but. It's downstream from gut problems I've had for literally decades. And I'm taking a lot of time to sort it out. And, you know, obviously the shit sort of hits the fan for us in health and that's what's happened to me. But I am getting it sorted out. You know, like nothing ever lasts forever. To the point now where I'm like, okay, I'm not gonna sweat it. What's been happening to me recently? Well, I don't really want to get into the physical stuff because that's a whole other topic and I'm in the middle of it. And I'd really rather talk about it with some hindsight, although I am feeling better and it's nothing. And deal with the ball. And that is always a good day. When you find that out. But emotionally. Is what I want to talk about because emotionally is where I've. I've really noticed a difference. I feel like I've shifted upward. Imagine this is sort of like a video game level in sort of calmness in sort of not caring as much in sort of rolling with the punches in a way that perhaps I never have been able to in terms of opening myself up to things that previously I've been too scared to think about. There's a calm, to me, there's an acceptance to me that's. and I'm just feeling my way around that. But if this is what menopause is like minus the other stuff, then I am on board and I am very pleased with it. But I'm having like really a lot of memory issues. And obviously they're so scary because all we hear about is dementia and we know. That there's about a 20% reduction in our, in our brain capacity or our brain power. You know, during perimenopause, it's like a grand reorganization, rewiring. It's a transition that leads to an upgrade, which the which Dr. Luann Breanden writes a book in her book, the Upgrade. but it's also a time when some of this stuff can be a biomarker for future disease and that that research is ongoing and that research is developing, and we know that's happening. So the only way I'll know is if I get dementia, but it's definitely a part of perimenopause. And I was talking to my best friend recently and she said, gosh, I'm having it too. She's a teacher. and the way she described is exactly how I feel. Like she would look up a word and then go to find the word to do something and then forget what the word was, and then go back and get the word and then go to do the thing. And this is what I do, and I feel like I'm going absolutely crazy. I, I'll have get a voice note from someone and be like, oh, right, I know what I'm gonna say when I reply to that, and then I'm giving the voice note and I, I can't even remember what they said. It's really jarring. I'm also repeating stories, but I've done that for years. So that memory is spooky and every woman knows it. And I've always gotten really annoyed when I read these headlines. Like I thought I had early onset dementia. I thought he had early on onset Alzheimer's. But you know, the truth is those bug me because that's my fear. I learned that a long time ago that if things really bug you, you should pay attention to them. And maybe this is because of the physical things that are going on and I'm sure. A lot of my brain fog and fatigue and overwhelm have to do with that. I'm feeling very overwhelmed, like nothing is doable. I, I can't, like, I can't put my laundry away. I don't wanna clean up after I made myself something to eat. I don't wanna, I love recording this podcast, but I don't wanna edit it and put it on the platform. I feel like I. I feel like I just wanna throw myself on the bed at every little task. I don't wanna go out, I don't wanna go anywhere. Like I am a person who has gone everywhere and I don't feel like going anywhere. I feel like staying at home, it's so strange. Also, the crying. I'm crying a lot. I'm crying a lot. I've always been a crier. I don't understand. I have friends who say they never cry and I don't get it. I, I've always cried a lot, but, you know, this week I was, I've been doing a lot of yin yoga at night to help me sleep and it sort of releases emotions and I found myself absolutely sobbing about this time. That I got mugged in Paris when I was 31. I decided I hadn't done any real traveling, so I took a three week trip by myself to Paris, Amsterdam, br, Belgium, and Berlin, and I flew after nine 11. I don't know how I did any of this, but I did. And the first night that I was there, I went to go see the Eiffel Tower and I was at the Cero, which is across from the Eiffel Tower, and I was having a cigarette, which I did back then to absorb all my grand moments and just loving life and thinking, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I can't believe I did this for myself. This my life is gonna be so brilliant and amazing. I've seen the Eiffel Tower. I'm gonna do everything. I mean, it was just a real great moment and I was in a complete. Bubble in my brain, like I wasn't in my body. You know, I was jet lagged and I was a completely unsavvy traveler, and. the triad arrow is sort of up top and then there's these stairs that go down a landing and then more stairs that go down. That's all I remember about it. So I got, you know, there's a whole bunch of people up top. I get to the top, I don't know where I'm going. Maybe I'm gonna ghost to the Eiffel Tower now. And I get to the top of the stairs and I see there's a group of guys at the bottom, and I just charge down and I hear them, one of them shout. And then when I got to the bottom, they circled me and. One of them put his hand over my mouth and put his arm around me to like grab me and Wow. I had been luckily doing, boxing and martial arts workouts. I was pretty strong and the instructor had always been dropping all these tips. So he had told us once that if we were ever attacked we should, you know, crunch our arms around our core and drop on our back and just kick. So that's, that's what I did. So I slipped outta the guy's grass. I'm on the ground, I'm kicking. I can hear, like, I can hear that I'm kicking them. There's eight or nine of them. And. I can hear this screaming. It's like, is the craziest screaming you've ever heard? and it's me, but I'm not making any decisions to scream. And it was around the time that Gavin de Becker, the Gift of Fear guy, he had been on Oprah and he had said, ne you know, never let, if you're attacked, you can never let them take you to a different location you're done for. So in my mind, I was being like, human trafficked or something. So I'm kicking and kicking and kicking, and then I opened my eyes and, and they've. They didn't get anything from me. I had a money belt on, like that's how inexperienced of a traveler I was. I was wearing a money belt around my waist and I could feel the money belt moving and I'm laying on my back and I'm like, and I just, I, I looked behind me and there were just a whole bunch of people, like tons of people that had come and looked over the ledge to see what was happening. Obviously they heard the screaming and the commotion, and I see them and I just scream out, holy crap. And this American woman's voice, this southern drawl, comes outta that crowd and she says, are you American? Sweet. and I said, no, I'm Canadian. And she said, hold on, I'm coming down. I'm like, I just, I'm getting choked up telling you about it. She came down and her friend was with her and they held me. They were older and they, I was shaking and I was jacked on adrenaline and they. I think they took me to the subway. I don't think they took me, I was staying in a hostel. I was doing a real budget trip and, they were just about the two kindest people I ever needed. And they were angels and I'll never forget them. And funny enough, that night I went back to the hostel and, you know, I went and drank about six beers to calm myself down. And there was this really cretinous English man in the, in the bar creating a huge commotion on the other side of the bar. He was staying in the hostel too. So when I went back to my room somehow, I don't know how, but I went to the bathroom and when I come back to my room, cuz the bathroom is a hostel, it's not in the room. When I came back in the room, somehow he came and put his foot in the door of my room. And so I'm in my room, but the door is open and I'm. I'm too jacked on adrenaline from the previous attack to even like know what's going on. But I know there's a guy who's got his foot in the door and he's wasted and he's gross. he's, you know, it's not good news, so I'm just sitting on my bed like drunk, but in high alert and. Finally, I said, you have to leave. You have to leave. Like I was exhausted. I said, you have to leave. And he whipped out his dick and started peeing in the garbage can. That's, I remember that, and I remember thinking, oh my God, could this night get any worse? Now, why was I crying about that after Ian? Yoga? Yoga? Because when I told that story, it's, this story has become my story that I tell. It's a great story about me. I, I'm brave in that story and there's kind people, and it's funny, I think, but I have never, ever thought about how terrifying that was and how scary it was to continue on that trip by myself when that happened the first night, and how alone I felt. and how no one will ever know what it feels like to be alone in Paris and have a hand to put over your mouth. I had a fat lip be attacked in that way, and I cried and cried and cried and cried. Like these emotions, these are things that are coming up for me that are just like, where did that come from? How have I thought about it that way for 21 years that it was funny? Like it wasn't funny. Like yeah, like I told this story like, oh my God, I thought these guys were like trying to human traffic me. But really they were just trying to steal my money. Yeah. Fine. Haha. Well, my body, my body didn't know that my, my brain didn't know that. and that terror has lived on my body and that sadness and fear over that and that like loss of innocence that happens when you're attacked. And not to be overly dramatic about it, I haven't been for years, but, um, that's the example of things that are coming up. It's really, really kind of, you know, heavy. But I'm letting it come out. I cried because I saw a lady in Abu Dhabi feeding cats. there's people all over ab. There's so many stray cats here and there's people all over the city feed feeding cats. It's the most beautiful thing everywhere you go can you get to see like food that people are putting out and they're feeding a colony of cats. And I saw a lady carrying like the food and she had all these bags and she just looked like a lady like me. But I don't feed the cats. I, I, I have, I have a rescue cat named Ninja Jr. Who comes from the mean streets of Abu Dhabi. But, I don't feed them and I cried about that. I cried at the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel when Susie, the agent gave eulogy for a character on the show. I cried several times cuz I had pink eye and it just hurt so much and I couldn't see and I couldn't do my work. And I, I cried this week because I didn't wanna do any work and I was frustrated that the work that I been doing is going so slowly. I cried about someone I used to care about, a guy who I'm no longer with. And. I feel for him, and I was thinking about how much I cared about him. I cried about that. I'm not the only one I listened to. My friend Lizzie, be mute. I'm not the only one I listened to. My friend Lizzie Bermuda, lives in San Diego. I think we're Instagram friends and when she talks about it, it's exactly how I felt. Who else is in, uh, live life or menopause or perimenopause and finds himself a lot? Nobody ever told me about this, but, um, be a lot of freaking crying. Um, and sometimes it's out of the blue. Sometimes the reasons are big. Sometimes they're small. But if you find the tears, um, coming, more often than not, you're normal. You're normal. This week I cried because I'm reading Sweetening The Pill, the 2013 book by Holly Greg Spa. It was made into a documentary called The Business of Birth Control, produced by Ricky Lake and her partner and I cried because I'm so angry that I was put on the pill at 16 and that I stayed on it until 28. I've had so many questions about the pill over the years, like. So many, and I've tried to have them answered, and every article is The Pill Safe. I would read it and I would ask my doctor, and I've just gotten nothing but pushback. I've tried to write articles about it and to just read the way she talked about it and to think all the things I thought inside myself and have wondered about the pill and how I felt when I was on it and how I felt when I went off of it and just never knowing like would I have been a person with such dramatic mood swings, would I? Would I have had more sexual pleasure in my life if I hadn't gone on the pill? With my clitoris have been 20% larger because apparently the pill can shrink. Torres. Clitoris by up to 20%. I learned that. On a recent episode of the Hooper daddy podcast. That's Andrew Huberman. Podcast. Quite something. Sara Gottfried was on there and said that. And I just about spit off my coffee. I don't know, I didn't measure it. No one thought to measure my clitoris when I was 16 years old. So we could compare and contrast. Find that upsetting. Would my gut have been okay? Because it definitely has not been okay, and there's a lot of downstream health impacts from that, so, so I'm crying about something that I didn't know. I mean, everyone went on the pill. It was cool. I remember telling my friends like, I had a gynecologist. It was cool. There's nothing I can do about it, but I'm just releasing it. You know what I mean? The tears. The tears. The tears. And I cried today because I was at the gynecologist. I have a gynecologist I really like. And she said, you know, it's been almost six months since your last period. And I was like, oh my God. Yeah. And she said, I think this is it. And I said, really? And. I told her all about all the things I've been feeling about not wanting to do things and just not caring and not even wanting to wash my hair. And she said, just, just, just hang on. Just hang on. It's gonna pa, it will pass. And I felt like I had a partner in this. even though I've got thousands and thousands of partners through Hot Flash Inc. I felt like I had a partner right in front of me and it was like a beautiful thing. And then I left and I was giving in a voice note to my friend who's 10 years younger than me, and I was telling her that I think this is it. Like I think that period I had in August is the last one and I started crying. This is is huge. I can't believe it might almost be. And I'm almost crying now. while also at the gynecologist. You know, I know a lot of you probably having trouble finding a doctor who's sympathetic talking to them about everything. My gynecologist really doesn't wanna prescribe me any systemic hormone therapy. And when I tell people that, they're like, boom, get a new doctor. And it's like, listen. It was really hard for me to get this doctor. I had another French doctor. She was awesome, but my insurance stopped covering it and she didn't wanna prescribe hormone therapy either. Not until I'd gone through menopause. Well, if you look on social media, I should be screaming and bullying her. I told her, you know, there's a couple of things going on with my vagina, such as a scratchiness and a real predis, and a real predisposition, and a real predisposition to bacterial vaginosis. I'm always on the cusp of that these days, and I'm sick of it. A scratchiness. which makes, you know, intimate moments difficult. And the other thing that I have in the janitor syndrome of menopause is us muted orgasms like a sort of, they're just not giving the way that they used to. And I find that really sad and I've cried about that too, and I know that you can kind of bring that back with vaginal hormone therapy and other things, which I'm going to be trying. But, you know, she didn't wanna prescribe me any vaginal estrogen. And I, I said, please, last time, please, can you, like, it was really hard to talk to a doctor from India who I haven't known for very long about muted orgasms, but I did it and she prescribed it and I used it, but I'm terrible at using things every day, so maybe it's not for me. So I don't know if it's any better and I couldn't tell her a month later. Is it any. but I said, you know, I'd also like, if I'm gonna give it a go, I'd also like testosterone. And she said, oh, which is what she said when I mentioned the estrogen. Oh. And I said, look, I've interviewed multiple people about this. You know, there's testosterone receptors, there's estrogen receptors. They work together. If I had both these going, I, I might not have this. Predisposition to this bv and I could sort of bring back the whole function. And she was like, okay, let me do some research. You, when she wants me to come back in a month, she wants to keep checking me. She's very nervous about the local estrogen. She keeps checking down there. She wants to keep checking. And that's not what we're hearing from doctors on social media who are like basically handing it out like candy. I'm. I want it air on the side of caution. So she said she would research it. She said she would talk to her colleague. She said she's open to it. She really accepted that I have researched this deeply and that I would like to try this, and it was a real great moment. in just, you know, gentle nudging, which is learning to do as I get older in speaking to doctors. So that's kind of personal, but I hope it helps somewhat people because we hear a lot about vaginal dryness and vaginal dryness. Like I have friends who have it and it sucks, but there are other problems that are sort of, you know, concerning to us. So that's what's going on. So when I left her office, I, I cried because I'm six months away from being in menopause, I think. And let me tell you, if I got my period, I'd cry about that too. Well, I'm just letting the tears come and everything. I'm feeling now a little bit flat, a little bit attached. Luckily I just read Alexander Pope and Charney Hugo Wurlitzers. Book Wise Power at just the right time. This book came to me discover the liberating power of menopause to awaken authority, purpose, and belonging. I spent so much time looking at the scientific stuff to do with menopause, and for me, the spiritual stuff that I needed was in this book. They are founders of red school and they, you know, they're all about the power of your menstrual cycle and understanding your menstrual cycle. And just as I was starting to regret that, I had never understood my menstrual cycle, they said it's not too late. Basically their argument is that menopause, the macro compares to the micro of the menstrual cycle. Some of the weird feelings I've been having lately, like increased intuition, a feeling like I'm almost outta my body when I'm around other people. A feeling like I just kind of wanna take my skin off, or I don't have enough skin. She said there's a part in our cycle where we're much closer, where the veil between our world and the other worlds is thinner. And that's what happens during the menopause transition. And that made perfect sense to me. I feel like I am exposed and vulnerable. I, I feel so like raw and I think that's why I don't wanna go anywhere and all I wanna do is. I don't wanna think or read or watch or write. I don't even wanna watch tv. Like I don't even wanna listen to a podcast and this is so weird. But they say this is an essential part of it and that you must give in. There are so many parts in this book about letting yourself do this and how important it is to let yourself do this, and it's giving. A lot of grace for myself because I run two media platforms. I started Hot Flash, Inc. I can't, I wanna, right now, I wanna park Hot Flash Inc. And just ditch it and not think about it ever again. I don't wanna look at that email. I don't wanna look at any of the social, I'm trying not to freak out about this. I love doing it, but my brain is full and they say, I just need to create some room to do nothing. I just need to surrender. Surrendering, I'm gonna read. Surrendering opens inner doors that previously may have been locked, and it works surprisingly well with outer blocks too. The very act can reveal the way forwards. In the act of surrender, you effectively clear the way for something to come towards you. We also acknowledge that surrendering may release repressed personal pain that you've locked away or just tried to manage. they talk a lot about what doing nothing like looks like and how it should contain no shoulds. Here they. It's dropping all agendas about what we should or shouldn't be doing. It's taking our left brain focus, driven mind offline and drifting. It's pottering doing this and that just because it's sitting and dreaming, staring into space, just floating in one's imagination or perhaps giving into long afternoon naps, surrendering as being without purpose or agenda, and it brings great relief. I had a ton of stuff to do today, but after the doctor, I just walked. I walked to the mall. I went in the mall. I poked around the grocery store. I went in the gap. I bought a shirt. I had no plan. This is something I used to do all the time when I moved to Abu Dhabi on the weekend, and slowly all those spaces have been closed up. I went into the grocery store and bought a piece of chicken and some carrots. I went to Starbucks for a coffee. I didn't look at my phone even. I just sat drinking my coffee. A little kid came over and offered me a cookie. It was really sweet. I looked at people probably, I was staring. I felt I was browsing in the store, and I realized that's just what I needed to do. I needed to go out but with no purpose. I will get through this. You will get through this. It's gonna end. I had conjunctivitis for God. I felt like ever. It was two weeks and I was laughing because when I could barely see and I was hideous and I my eyes, I wanted to scratch them outta my head and I felt alone and ugly. I thought to myself, this is, you know, this is this is gonna end and so is your damn perimenopause and menopause. So that's what's going on with me. That is what's going on with me. I'm getting through this. I'm not gonna ditch hot flash, but I am going to put my incredibly ambitious plans for world domination. on a burner, and I'm going to give myself so much grace for the next six months in the coming weeks just to try and do nothing as much as possible. Alexander and Charney in Wise power called this s nudging. Like if you can't take a sabbatical, but which Oh my God, that would be amazing. And I'm actually thinking that if I might take a month off, and go to ballet and do yoga. I have no idea how I'm gonna swing that, but it just feels like a luscious stream. But they said if you can't do that, and most of us can't, that you should do s smudging, which is like the bare minimum. So that's what I'm gonna be doing the bare minimum while still talking to you. And you know, I'm well aware and one of the things I'm hardest on myself about is that I don't have kids. And so what do I have to complain? I assure you there are sides to this that are more difficult without children. There's sides to everything that are more difficult without children, particularly when you would've liked to have had some. But I, I really can't imagine what it's like when you're taking care of little ones, when you've got, you know, problems with teenagers. If you're taking care of your parents and my heart goes out to you. If you were coping with all that right. drop me a line. I'd love to hear from you and how you're doing it. I love connecting with people on social media when they're just so eloquent telling me how they feel. And then I love hearing from the women who are older, who've gotten through it, who instill in me the confidence to be able to write the tagline for Hot flash, which is, this is going somewhere good, just like my pink. I am wearing mascara. Thanks for listening. Hang in there.

Ann Marie: 34:13

Thank you so much for joining me. If you like this conversation, I hope you'll check out some of my other interviews on the Hot Flashing Podcast, subscribe, give a rating, maybe a review, and come back for more next week. Hot Flash Inc. Was created and is hosted by Annemarie McQueen, produced and edited by Sonya Mac. The information contained in this podcast is intended for informational purposes only, and is not intended for the purpose of diagnosing, treating, curing, or preventing any disease. Before using any products referenced on the podcast, consult with your healthcare provider, read all labels, and he all directions and cautions that accompany the products. Information received through the podcast should not be used in place of a consultation or advice. Care provider. If you suspect you have a medical problem, ie. Menopause or anything else or any healthcare questions, please promptly see your healthcare provider. This podcast, including Annemarie McQueen and any producers or editors disclaim any responsibility from any possible adverse effects from the use of any information. Contains herein opinions of guests on this podcast. Are their own, and the podcast does not endorse or accept responsibility for statements made by guests. This podcast does not make any representations or warranties about a guest's qualifications or credibility. This podcast may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products or services. Individuals on this podcast may have direct or indirect financial interest in products or services. Referred to here in this podcast is owned by Hot Flash, Inc. Media.