114: Bonus mini solo episode: My going-through menopause manifesto

In this mini solo episode, recorded in August 2023, Ann Marie shares her first insights into what being in menopause will be like. 

Spoiler alert: It's good. Maybe not worth it. But very good. 

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Transcript

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So yeah, this week I, um, I'm in menopause or you could say I went through menopause because I'm not sure whether, um, we're very confused on this. The whole world is very confused on this because I've been saying for like three years, um, you know, perimenopause is all the years before menopause. And menopause is like a moment in time when you just realize you haven't had your period for 12 months and then you're in post menopause. But there's a new school of thought that says no. When that moment occurs, then you're in menopause and you live in menopause for the rest of your life. I don't know. All I know is that I had my last period on August 24th, 2022. I haven't had my period for a year and I cannot freaking believe it. I cannot believe it. I cannot, I cannot believe it. I, it is to me monumental because I got my period when I was 13, is 40 years of this monthly thing and. Unlike so many people now who are savvy to their, their, um, cycles. To me, it was just like this, I don't know, mystery. Like I'd never even started even putting two and two together about the different phases and until late forties and by then it was already changing. And so it's just, it just feels, I can't handle an era and I don't know whether I should burn. Like I have this thing of pads and I was wearing a lot of those on, those undies. I really liked those in the end. Cause you know, when you're in perimenopause, a lot of people don't like wearing tampons. I found that this is too much information. I don't know. Um, and so I'm wondering if I should burn all those, but I bet they're toxic as heck. And I just know if I make some sort of. Video for social media of me burning them that people are going to, people are definitely going to be, uh, pointing it out. I was going to have a big, like a, a me day on Thursday and the day I, I didn't end up having that day. Um, I ended up doing a bunch of errands and deciding that I was going to do it another day and that's fine. I am going to celebrate and I, I wish that we celebrated, but not in a cheesy way. We're, we're all wearing flowing gowns. I just, I wish I, I wish I could have. Some friends over and, and have a breakfast and celebrate it. But I, I don't, I have that circle in all of, all of the people in Humplash. I don't have that kind of a circle in my own life, which is fine. I have a really, I have a good circle. Um, leading up to this day, um, I don't, I, I don't even know what to say about this whole experience. I, and I'm going to be putting it together for years to come, I think. It has been like nothing else. I have been in perimenopause since my early 40s. I have gone through personal trials and tribulations and pulled myself out of darkness and dark nights of the soul. Like I never thought I would ever, uh, experience and I didn't think I would see the light. I've been in the depths of despair. I've been suicidal. I've had tons of fun, tons of adventure, and I am unrecognizable to myself. I now have a voice. You know, I, I had a friend to who I had a problem with and instead of telling all the other people in my life and asking everyone's opinion, I just said, Hey, I don't like what you're saying to me and it didn't go well and I'm okay. And, um, with my family and with people in my life, I'm able to speak and people are respecting it. And, um, you know, in dating, I'm like, no, I don't want to do that. Not I'm just going to do it because that's what he says. Like, I just can't explain. The way that menopause is being portrayed and the narrative about it is just focusing on the physical symptoms and focusing on taking hormone therapy to fix them and that's great. Uh, we're some sort of diseased person like this emotional growth that I have gone through as, as these hormones have left my body is absolutely profound. And the last year has felt like a storm. Like, Mona Altahawy, who is, I love, said, you know, it's menopause was kicking her ass and I saw her in the summer in New York and I was like, I'm just, I don't know what end is up or down. I don't, and she said, it's like, it will get better. It doesn't happen instantly when you go through it, but it does pass and I can already feel it. And I've done a ton of work. Like, I felt like this is what I want to heal my trauma, so I'm doing trauma work and I'm doing. Like, I'm just doing all this stuff and I feel like the storm clouds have cleared. And, um, I'm going to talk about this a lot, but that's what I wanted to tell everyone. And I don't know what stage everyone on this list is on. Um, I don't know where you're feeling, if you're post, if you're whenever, and like, please leave a comment and let me know, but it breaks my heart to see this, this mentioned, to see this talked about as just like a completely negative thing. Like don't get me wrong. It has kicked my ass for so long, but I have managed to find myself. I have been forced to rise, like go from that maiden to like being my own mother. I used to just sort of think like, I don't know, I can't, I can't do any of this. Like life was kind of happening to me. And now I just feel that I know who I am. Like for the first time, maybe, like I've had glimpses of it, but I feel it here. And, uh, I just, I just can't believe this isn't more revered and celebrated. It's not about bleeding or it's not about fertility. I, I don't know how the way I'm feeling now couldn't be like so respected and the way everyone else is coming to feel or has felt this transition is everything and I'm, I'm so glad that I feel like maybe that's my mission to talk about it because I was going through it but now I see, you know, and um, I hope this makes sense. I just wanted to share it and I, I just thank you so much for being here with me and for putting up with my shenanigans